Freshman year of college

My Freshman year was crazy in more bad ways then good. I have always been a very independent person  so I thought that moving 7 hours away from my family, moving to where I knew no one would be a good idea. Looking back I definitely was not prepared in more ways then one. My first week of living down their I went through Formal greek recruitment, I can honesty say it was the worst 5 days of my life. Going through rush is hell to say the least but in the end it was worth it. I dropped 5 pounds during the 5 days of recruitment from stress and having to go go go every waking hour. The next couple of months I maintained my weight by working out excessively everyday for an hour and half and when I did binge I would purge. First semester I distanced myself from everyone in my house because I was so unhappy I was very lonely and thought no one could help me. Looking back man I was wrong. My bulimia started to spiral out of control on a friday night I wouldn't go out like everyone else my going out was a tub of ice cream and the toilet. The few times I did go out I would drink very little because of the calories, but I would come home and literally eat my entire fridge, if something went wrong I would eat. This sounds pathetic and crazy but I remembering bingeing and thinking its okay food loves me food is my friend.  I wish it wasn't true but I actually believed food was there for me when no one else was food was the only thing I thought about from what I just ate to what I was going to eat next and how many calories ect. I couldnt enjoy anything I used to anymore, I came to school on a horseback riding scholarship and I would have to make myself go to the barn and ride, I didn't enjoy it anymore or anything for that matter. One day after a night of bingeing I cracked I did not go to class I stayed in my bed all day crying, I realized that this disease was bigger what I could handle and that I needed help, It was the a feeling that I will always remember, everything that I had ever worked for everything that I prided myself from exercising and eating healthy  was a lie, I was cheating and it was killing me mentally and physically. I finally broke down and texted my mom, I couldn't call because I was too scared I said mom, I need to find a therapist or dietitian to help with my eating. My mom didnt think that I had a eating disorder she just thought that I wanted help putting together a meal plan because I had been hinting at it for weeks. Finally I told her I had an eating disorder, it was also one of the hardest things I had ever done because everyone in my family looked up to me for nutrition advise and were aspired by my ways, the ways that I made public and that were visible to them at least. I saw a doctor and a nutritionist but I didnt like that they told me I was going to need to gain weight and than I was killing myself blah blah blah that is all i heard. I just was excited to get a meal plan from a REAL nutritionist. At this time my meals were consisting of the following. eating was all i could think about it was the only thing that brought me joy In class all i could think about was what am i going to eat next, the excitment antipciating meals was horrible, I would go to bed starving dreaming about how good breakfast was going to be in the morning.

Breakfast

Oatmeal with water and 1/2 bananna

lunch

1/2 turkey sandwhich

salad

Dinner 

salad with protien

after workout snack

greek yogurt

When she told me I wasn't getting enough to eat I was shocked becuase I was aiming on a 1200 calorie a day diet plan but she had but me on a 1800 calorie a day plan. I tried to follow the plan well sort of there was no way I was eating 3 tbs of peanut butter in the morining. I modified her plan alot but I kicked my calorie intake to about 1400 calories. My first day on the new plan I was amazed at how much I could eat. My first breakfast was around 400 calories, before I had never even had that many calories before noon let alone 7am in the morning that day I had so much energy I felt great I had ran the furthest I had ever ran which was 6 miles. This continued for a while until I fell back into bingeing and purging only this time I was gaining weight. They told me that initial I was going to gain some weight but then it would all even out, I refused to believe them I didn't want to gain weight I still wanted to loose weight. Through out the rest of first semester my weight slowly went up but I was working out harder than ever and eating healthy but I was still bingeing. Before I left for winter break I went back to the doctor, I told them that things did not get any better and they decided to put me on medication used to help stop bulimia. They told me It would take at least a month to start working and it finally did. Even though I was gaining weight everything felt in control again only bingeing once a week tops and I started to enjoy things like riding again. I was an all around happier person it was much easier to make friends because I wasn't angry all the time. My first semester I was set on not staying and leaving second semester because I was so miserable.

Second semester I came back with the intent on loosing weight as always, it happened for about 4 weeks when I was on the Jackie Easons Body Building plan, I was working out very hard and bulking up. Then because of my social life expanding I started going out more and drinking more which significantly contributed to my weight gain. Every night before I went to bed I would have to eat something it was in my head and I listened to it every time, this is from during summer when I would come home late at night and eat from work and go straight to bed. I was very used to hungry or not to eat before bed. My weight continued to climb I stopped weighing myself everyday and stopped the workout plan and just did my own work outs. I would weigh my self ever so often and be stunned but then believe oh its just 10 pounds it will come off, oh its just 20 pounds it will come off but 30 im drawing the line and not letting it continue any further. I do not regret this time,  because it made me become happy again not the food but in general but it made me more social and happy. Gaining the weight made me realize that its not easy to keep it off Im going to have to work hard and loose it the healthy way this time. But I wouldn't have traded these experiences for anything, I have made some life long friends through my journey and will continue too.