All of my life I was over weight, Always criticized left out and made fun of because of it, I went 17 years thinking I could not change I was stuck being un happy for the rest of my life. So My senior year in high school when I stepped on the scale for the first time in 2 years and it read 203, I was heart broken I knew I had gained weight but not this much 203 pounds was a wake up point. I knew I had gained weight but not 40 pounds. I realized Im going to college next year its time for me to be happy and start a new me. I started working out and eating not so much healthy ( I had my first salad this summer) but eating less and eating more nutritious things. I started weighing myself everyday and would become affiliated on the numbers like loosing 3 pounds a day not knowing it was water weight the feeling of reward made me want to do it again and again, So I started cutting back on my eating even more and restricting my diet more and more until I was barley eating anything. Hunger was a sign of success in my mind at the time, the more hunger I felt the more weight I would loose. I tracked my weight and calories religiously in a little planner which I kept with me at all times and I made sure no one could see it to see what I was eating or how little I was eating and also my weight. I look back on these notebooks in pure sadness to think that the power of me controlling what I ate to the T made me feel sucessfull. There are many more things in life I have now discovered to make me feel successful and accomplished. I recall one day after eating lunch I would add up my calories sometime before I ate so I would know if I should eat all of my lunch that day, but I added it up and it was below 400 calories at 1pm in the after noon, the sense of accomplishment I felt was very rewarding at the time but now I realize its not rewarding at all it was a very big sign of me being very sick and unhappy. I had a goal for at graduation to weigh 1wanted to be under 160 which I was 158.5, I had not have scene my weight that low since 8th grade. Looking back these goal were good to be setting but they should have been more realistic. I kept going because everyone was telling me how good I looked and the complements were extremely nice but that was the only thing that was making me happy back then I could not find joy in anything else other than watching the number on the scale go down. A normal day at when I was in high school would consit of
AM workout Run or Insainity workout
6 am
Almond milk 40
1 Cup Kashi 140
Lunch 12pm
1/3 C. Kashi 40
Cheese stick 50
4oz turkey 100
(no bread becuase it had too many "empty" calories or so I believed)
Yogurt 100
After School Snack 3pm
Yogurt 100
Dinner
5oz grilled Chicken breast 150
Baked potato 150
I was eating around 800 or 900 calories a day and burning a minimum of 500 calories per workout
Then summer started and everything got worse from there. I was working out 1.5hrs a day and also working almost everyday in the hot sun, I was a manager at a pool. In the summer I would eat a little something before my workout at around
7am
1/2 bannan
then I would work out (run+class or run+weight)
Eat real breakfast
1c. Dry kashi
Lunch (when ever I could get a break)
1/3 C. Kashi 40
Cheese stick 50
4oz turkey 100
I was actually excited about the though of work because it kept me un able to eat. It defiantly didnt take my mind off food because that was all I thought about
By the time I got off I had been starving for hours, I would come home around 9 and be so hungry I would almost be nauseas and fell horrible. I would grab the closets/fastest thing I could grab which was
1C. Kashi
1/2 Almond Milk
maybe some yogurt
I would be working in the hot sun all day and wonder why I was dizzy, I have come close to fainting countless number of times and just thought it was normal.
Through out summer I lost another 15 pounds and planned on loosing more when I came to school it but it was never enough. My mom and Grandma both struggled with eating disorders and they were both not aware of the extent of the illness but they did recognize it and would always tell me that I needed to stop loosing weight and that I could not live like this forever, being never I believed it would never happen to me and I could do this for the rest of my life.
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